Wednesday, May 4, 2011

ambergris//let's stay together

Finals are pretty much over, which means I will finally be able to actually have time to blog and a social life again and all that. It amazes me when I see older posts and then come back periodically how much my life alters in a span of time.

Big news? There's plenty to share. For one, my final reviews went poorly. Well, poorly for a perfectionist. They were probably okay but I always worry about them if they don't go as well as planned. Generally speaking, I have started to notice a trend in my work, which is mostly that I feel like simple lines in ink on mylar are not enough for a final presentation, so I overcompensate by pocheing everything and making it ultimately stand out like a sore thumb. I have been told by two professors now that I need to abtract things and simplify them more, and I unfortunately think that is the most difficult task of all. It amazes me that I can spend an hour or two doing the most intricate detailing on a drawing and then spend ten hours stumped over simple diagrams. I guess that means I'm probably not as dumb as I always assumed I was, but it also means that I have to work extra hard to compensate for internal complexity. I overcomplicate everything in my life-- is it any surprise that I would overcomplicate even Architecture?

The second big news is that in a year (or year and a half, depending on many factors), I am moving to Charlotte. And that is, of course, if I get admitted to transfer into the architecture program at UNCC. There are many reasons for this, but mostly because despite being happy with many things in my life, as a whole I am not as happy as I should be. I kept hoping it was a phase I was just going through but I feel like it is more than that. It may be a disaster, but I think a change of pace will do me good. Granted, there are many reasons I am "escaping" (allergies, fundamentalism, and some other stuff I'd rather not go into right now), but I think it is necessary escape.

The idea of selling 3/4 of what I own, probably working a job that is very different from what I have been doing the past few years, and focusing on just one thing rather than 500 seems like a step it the right direction. I have been dragging my feet because of various reasons, and now I have decided to accept and be at peace with the fact that those reasons are simply not enough to sustain me and will probably waste even more of my time. Not to be a pessimist or anything, but I have to be realistic and recognize that this path has just outlived its journey.

It's time for me to work towards something else and progress as a human being and honestly I don't feel like I can do that in Knoxville. I love my friends and it is nice to be closer to my parents, but I think the only way I am going to be satisfied with my life is to start with a clean slate, have less of everything, and focus on the things that make me happiest. As I told my boyfriend a few weeks ago, "I feel as if I am living someone else's life. I don't feel as if I am living at all in reality. I am just watching events unravel and I feel like a ghost." It is somewhat saddening and I will miss a lot of people here, but it's like riding a bicycle: you have to take off your training wheels and let go and some point. I have to stop making excuses and focus on results. And if that means completely uprooting myself from everything, it is just something I will have to do.

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