Wednesday, January 6, 2010

unmitigated life

After nearly 12 years of dying my hair, I finally decided to go blonde again. I'm still not sure if I like it or not (it will probably go red or black in a few weeks, knowing me), but it is definitely a change. Change is in the air, actually, some of which being good and some of which being bad. I started 2010 with a bang because my stepfather had to go into the hospital for a major emergency surgery and my great aunt died, also. I did a lot of things I am not proud of over Christmas break and now I am struggling to find some meaning in the events that transpired therein. I feel like I grew older over Christmas break, if not a bit wiser, and there is a strange feeling of emptiness enveloping my life that I can't readily comprehend. It is almost as if I stepped out of young adulthood into adulthood and now I feel responsible for a lot of situations where I usually would have thrown caution to the wind. But I also feel very sad, because I allowed some things to happen that hurt my pride and integrity deeply and the result of that surprised me most of all, because I felt so self-sufficient and confident prior to that. I am trying to combat that, though, as I am applying for second job this afternoon at a new hookah restaurant that is opening up in town. I am hoping to get on there a least the weekends, if nothing else, because I could use some refreshed food service experience, for one. I figure if I throw myself into my work and my hobbies I won't have to feel so jaded by the past few weeks. I hate feeling bitter so I hope this feeling passes soon, as I am finding courage and comfort in being alone again.

One of my New Year's resolutions (yes, I have some!) was to update this blog more. I have been neglecting it more than I would like to admit. This year I am going to get out of debt and have a fulfilling life for myself. I got sidetracked last month from my "Alpine path" and so now I am backtracking a bit to get everything structured back to where it should be. Cupcake Crafterie may be postponed to next month, depending on my job situation, but I will try to update this more often. Another resolution is to CRAFT more, as I have been neglecting that as well.

I have never been an extremely religious person, but I think the trials and tribulations of faith lately have made me open my mind a bit more to what exists outside of my circle. I think we all grow up being self-important. I always thought I could emphathize with people very well until I saw my stepfather going through a pain I could not comprehend or understand. For the first time in my life, I realized that my pain was the only pain I was allowed to experience. I could experience the emotional pain of others because of the emotions I had experienced in myself, but physical pain is a completely different universe to me. How, in all my twenty four years, this realization passed me by is a mystery in itself. The realization left me numb and I was somewhat negated, for I want to experience and empathize with others on all levels and it is clealry impossible.

I bought most of my books for my architecture course today. I am nervous and excited about the class, because it seems like it will be an extremely difficult course as well as time-consuming. I am only taking three classes this semester because I am needed more at work, but the classes I am taking are all very eye-opening ones. Deep down I think I really love school, although I wish I could afford my lifestyle yet still have more time to pursue my studies. I spent much of the break with my nose in books, which is a bit safer yet still allows me to feel like I am vicariously living through someone else for a while.

I have a million things to do this week but my main goal is to get my scooter sold by February. This is probably the worst time to sell something like that, but I keep hoping I will get lucky. I love love love love my scooter, but it is something I bought at a different stage in my life and my goals have altered considerably for now. I have been slacking on my etsy due to recent events, but I have a ton of really cool vintage that my mom and I will be putting up in the following weeks, so I am getting pretty excited. Life will be much more livable once I get over the stress from taxes, so by April I should be pretty well set for any major changes that come my way. After that, I just have to pay off the balance on my credit card and then I can go back to some state of simplicity. My only other debt is my student loans, but since I will be in school for a while (as in the next 6 years, because I want to get my master's) I'm not too distraught over it.

This time next year, I wonder what will have changed. I might even be in Portland by then, or I might have a different job, more or less friends, more or less goals...I try not to think about the future, but I have a good idea of where I want to be and now it is just a matter of figuring out a variety of ways to get there.

No comments:

Post a Comment